If the hat fits…

By: Jamie Troutman

               Lucy Callow woke up from a nap on the ninth of February at about 6:00 pm and took a look outside to find that it was still snowing, just as it had been for the past two days. “Enough is enough” she thought, “I will not be stuck in my apartment any longer” and decided to go have a cup of coffee in the first cafe she might encounter.

Oh the weather was truly dreadful. Snow was falling so thick that Lucy could hardly see ten meters ahead and upon leaving her house, Lucy found that her shoes were simply not meant for walking in the snow. As she walked down the snow covered road slipping and sliding, her feet were growing cold and wet. “This certainly will not do” she spoke aloud as if conversing with the wind “if it must be snowing like this then I will certainly have to be wearing quite proper attire for the occasion.”

She found the boot store without difficulty and searched for a pair of boots. Upon purchasing her yellow boots with the black furry stuff at the top, she noticed her hair, having accumulated much falling snow outside, had become soaking wet. “You don’t perhaps sell hats here by chance do you?” Lucy Asked the clerk. “no ma’am, this is a boot store” the clerk replied incredulously. Trying not to embarrass the girl for asking such a seemingly ridiculous question, the clerk offered “what you might need is a hat store. With both fortune and calamity there happens to be one right down the road.” “Calamity?” Lucy quite naively asked. Cautioning, the clerk responded “Yes well, under the circumstances one might liken a blinding two kilometer trek through a snowy city to that of wandering aimlessly around hell.” “But I simply must have a hat, I’m going out for coffee anyways and I mustn’t arrive without a hat. Sir please, where is the store?” Lucy begged. The clerk replied “well if you must know, it is right down the road about two kilometers”

Looking out the window, Lucy asked “you mean this road here?” Joining her at the window and offering conformation, the clerk replied “yes, you just follow this road and the hat store will be on your left”

A little flustered Lucy argued, “But I thought you said “right” down the road”

Compromising, the clerk responded “sorry ma’am perhaps what I meant to say was, the store is left down the road.” She began her departure from the boot store when the clerk warned “I bid you, do not to go back into that snow storm you could get hurt.” Lucy offered her last words to the clerk “Oh but you don’t know what it’s like to be a girl without a hat” and took off into the blizzard.

The snowfall was relentless, but after making quite some progress in her proximity to the hat store, she was only about half a kilometer away. Having only bought her new boots about an hour earlier she hadn’t wanted to get them dirty but inevitably decided it was time to really test their functionality.

You see, there was a huge bank of packed snow up ahead, one that was created by many plows going about and pushing snow to the side of the road. That bank of snow became Lucy’s test course as she ran up the side of it. As she approached the top, you could say Lucy was stricken with adversity when she tripped. “Ahh” Lucy belted. She fell all the way down the other side into a grimy slush puddle on the street. “Oh no!” She exclaimed “my clothes are just ruined!” As she slowly picked herself up off of the ground she lifted her head to see the headlights of a very old Volkswagen Beetle. Seeing Lucy at the last minute the driver slammed on the brakes. His meager attempt at stopping was all too late as the car skid and barreled right into Lucy, sending her sliding across the icy snow covered street.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” the driver frantically inquired as he got out the car. He watched in disbelief as Lucy again picked herself up off of the snowy street with not but a bruised hip and a nosebleed. The driver immediately raced to Lucy’s aid “shall I call an ambulance?” he asked. “Oh, no that won’t be necessary thank you” Lucy responded, showing almost no sign of physical pain. “I do believe I must buy some new clothes” Lucy said to the driver softly in a vague demeanor. Seemingly in shock she continued “these are indeed ruined and it is much too cold for a girl to be walking to the clothing store while soaking wet in a blizzard.”  Without hesitation, the driver invited her into his newly reupholstered car against his better judgment, disregarding her grime-saturated clothes for fear of prosecution.

“Why on Earth is a girl like you walking around in a snowstorm?” The driver asked while en route.  Lucy responded, shivering slightly “I was on my way to the hat store.” “The hat store?”  the driver asked quite surprised, “at a time like this?” “Yes well, you see I was on my way to the coffee shop but my shoes were not right for walking in the snow, so I made a stop at the boot store.” Lucy lectured “It was there that I realized my hair was very wet from all the snow. I asked if they sold hats but, like the sign said, it was a boot store so they offered me directions to the nearest hat store. I was almost there, but then you came along.”

“Once again I must say I am very sorry for running into you like that, I could hardly see ten meters ahead.” The driver apologized anxiously.

“Oh it’s quite alright, I’m sure I’ll be fine” Lucy consoled. “Hey there it is, the clothing store. Gee thanks for the ride I sure do appreciate it.”

Lucy limped into the clothing store soaking wet and maintaining a nosebleed. The first store clerk to lay eyes on her rushed to her aid. “Oh dear! Shall I call you an ambulance?” The clerk frantically cried.

“Oh no that won’t be necessary” Lucy replied.
“Ma’am, I would be much obliged.” the clerk argued.

Lucy, looking beyond the clerk as if trying to spot something, asked “do you have a restroom?” Seemingly in disbelief of Lucy’s behavior according to her disheveled appearance, the clerk responded. “Yes, there is a restroom straight back and to the right.” “Will it be on the right or on the left?” Lucy asked “On the right, just as I instructed” the clerk said, looking at Lucy as if she were some sort of child oblivious to the situation at hand. “I’m only asking because earlier today I had received directions to a certain hat store. When the man told me ‘right’ I found that what he really meant was ‘left’. You do understand the confusion?” Keeping in mind the phrase ‘the customer is always right’ the clerk smiled and said “well, yes of course”

After Lucy returned from cleaning the blood from her face, she began doing what she does best, shopping for clothes. She picked out just a darling outfit consisting of a yellow blouse coupled with a black vest and a red scarf. She wore some black stockings and she even bought herself a brand new black pea coat which she wore with a big belt to pull the waist in tight. Together with the boots, her look was almost complete. The only thing missing was a hat. “Do you sell hats here?” Lucy asked the sales clerk as she purchased her new clothes. “As a matter of fact, we do” the sales clerk replied “right this way.” The sales clerk displayed their very limited, and might I say, inferior selection of hats. “Oh these will not do” Lucy disparaged “I must have a fine hat indeed, and like I always say, it’s better to have nothing than to have something which you don’t want. Take these, my old wet clothes for example. I don’t want them so, I won’t have them.” “Well I’m sorry we could not accommodate you ma’am.” the clerk said  “Is there anything else?”
“Yes I believe so. Do you sell umbrellas?” Lucy asked. “I’m afraid you’ll have to visit the umbrella store for that.” the clerk replied. “Umbrella store?” Lucy asked quite distressed “where will I find an umbrella store?”
“There’s one next door” the clerk replied simply. “Oh..” Lucy said “Okay well thanks”

Before Lucy walked into the umbrella store she counted the money that remained in her pocket, Seventy four dollars and eighteen cents. She was running low and decided to take quite a daring risk. She was going to attempt to steal an umbrella. She walked into the umbrella store and quickly found the umbrella she wanted. It was the iconic image that was an umbrella, black with a ‘J’ curved handle. She grabbed it and looked around to make sure no one was watching. Lucy started walking toward the exit casually, as if she was holding her own umbrella. She started out walking calmly and slowly but as she approached the door, the closer she got, the more swiftly she continued to walk. “Hey” the clerk said. As Lucy turned to face the clerk she continued “Aren’t you going to pay for that?” “Pay for what?” Lucy asked slyly. “Uh, That Umbrella…” the clerk announced incontestably. “What makes you think it isn’t mine?” Lucy inquired. “Well, people don’t usually walk into an umbrella shop if they already have an umbrella” The clerk replied. “Besides, the tag is still on it” Lucy then took a few seconds to think, she looked at the door then turned back to the clerk.

Having further reduced her hat budget, by about twenty dollars Lucy walked out of the shop and back into fowl weather umbrella in hand. “It sure is nice to have some protection from the snowfall” Lucy thought. It was still snowing fairly heavily and Lucy just had to get to that hat shop. Lucy walked and walked, the detour which brought her to the clothing store had consequently taken her farther from the hat store than she was at the site of the accident. About half a kilometers walk brought Lucy to an overpass. There, two roads diverged in the snowy city and she had two options; to cross the street below the bridge and very well risk being hit by another car, or take the overpass and try not to slip.

She decided on taking the overpass which, at the time, only had one lane cleared for traffic due to the amount of snow that had fallen. Along the sides of the bridge were very large banks of snow which reached higher than the guard rail itself. Before she started across she looked down “alright boots, it’s going to be slippery up ahead” she said as if warning her boots would help them help her across the menacing overpass. Pigeon toed, she began to cross one foot in front of the other, holding onto her umbrella to shield her against the falling snow.

There were cars rushing by below and the icy packed snow bank was quite slippery. After getting about halfway across, fate it seems, decided that she was going a little too slow and well, a gust of wind blew catching her umbrella like a sail. The wind dragged her by the umbrella right off the edge of the overpass. “Oh Dear!” Lucy exclaimed as she fell. Facing certain death, the only thought in her mind was to hold onto that umbrella. For if the umbrella was lost then the partial depletion of her hat budget would have been taken in vain. Therefore, falling relatively slowly due to her acknowledgment of the umbrellas value, Lucy glided into the back of a snow plowing pickup truck whose driver kept the velocity quite low as he cautioned himself on the icy road.

A little befuddled from the fall, she looked up to find that the truck was heading in the very direction she wished to go. She road along in the back of the truck for a while until she spotted it, The Hat Store, so it said in big red letters on the front of the building. Lucy was so excited she just jumped out of the back of the truck as soon as it came to a red light.

Lucy had finally made it to the hat store which was the last stop before her final destination, the coffee shop. All she needed then was to find her hat. You see, Lucy had a vivacious mind, bearing a certain philosophy that one does not simply choose a hat to purchase, one must find the hat that has always belonged to them. Oh they had all sorts of hats, almost any style you could dream up. Lucy looked around for quite some time and tried on many hats, but not any one of them seemed to be right. She tried on big hats, small hats, blue hats, and red hats. She tried on hats with bows and hats with feathers. She tried hats with wide brims and hats with small brims but something just seemed to be missing from every hat. Before she walked out the door distraught, disparaged, and entirely unsatisfied, she noticed that there was a corner of the store that she had neglected. Now, trying not to raise her hopes too high, she rushed over to the corner of the store where she wished her hat to lie. Looking around frantically, her eyes suddenly fervidly fixed. There it was, in all its majesty. (Cue angelic chorus) The hat she had been searching for was presented before her on a porcelain mannequin. Ecstatic, she modeled the hat in front of a mirror. It was a black hat with a yellow ribbon tied around into a bow, a red feather sticking out and a big round brim. The hat was essentially a cast of elegance. Just looking at it could make a girl more graceful.  Lucy was just knew it had to be hers and she took it right up to the register to purchase. “Find everything you need ma’am?” asked the clerk. “Yes, I certainly did! I don’t think a girl could ask for much more.” Lucy replied happily. The clerk smiled, “I’m glad to hear it. That will be sixty five dollars and twenty seven cents please.”
Lucy’s happiness quickly turned into a nervous emotional manifestation of economical insufficiency upon hearing the price of her beloved head covering.

“S-Sixty five dollars you say?” She attempted to ask with as much dignity as she could muster. After the long harrowing journey which should have been a simple walk to the hat store, she only felt like crying as she found she was short about eleven dollars for, by her philosophy, a hat which already belonged to her. “That’s correct. Sixty five dollars.” The clerk reassured. “Oh, perhaps another day then” Lucy said quite delicately as she took the hat back to the mannequin with much care and a mask of poise. She redressed the mannequin, adjusted the hat gently, then solemnly and quietly left the hat store for the coffee shop.

Lucy walked across the street and entered the coffee shop without a hat. She waited in the dull, slow moving line of people who came to the coffee shop for the same reason as she. As she stood there perhaps feeling slightly vulnerable, she saw something of interest over in one corner of the shop. She stood on her tip-toes as to get a better look and yes, a hat, sitting on the table unaccompanied. The brim was a little smaller than her choice hat but it was black and it was certainly just her style. “Excuse me ma’am, what would you like?” The clerk asked. It was Lucy’s turn to order “I’ll have an Americano please.” She turned back to the orphaned hat, it was still there. “One ninety five, please.” The clerk informed. Lucy quickly pulled her money out of her pocket and hastily counted exact change. Perhaps a little time consuming considering the lonely hat sitting on the table awaiting rescue, but Lucy loved paying with exact change. She didn’t run, as to avoid loss of dignity, but rather walked swiftly over to the table hosting the hat. She picked it up and tried it on. A perfect fit, wow! Lucy was so excited, for her suffering was no longer in vain. She had found a hat. Suddenly an old man broke through the door apparently out of breath, probably in his sixties; anyway he certainly did not look young enough to be out of breath. He walked up to Lucy and she, daunted by his entrance, took a step back. “Excuse me ma’am…” The man said. “That’s muh- my” the old man heaved then continued “That’s my son’s hat.” A blank stare struck Lucy’s face as she gazed in disbelief. The last chance she had at getting a hat was just now taken away. “Ma’am?” The man asked. “Oh” Lucy said “Yes well, here you go.” Lucy gestured to hand over the hat but the old man turned away to acknowledge… “Dad!” A young man said as he walked through the door. “You can’t be running like that, Doc said you got emphysem-” “Yeah yeah, I know what the Doc said”  The old man said “Listen son, I want you to meet-” The old man turned to address Lucy “Uh, what did you say your name was?” “Lucy!” She said. “Ah, Lucy this is my son Ian.” the old man said “Everyone just calls him Frenchy, supposedly ’cause he’s well dressed, I think because he’s weird” “Dad!” Ian interjected. Now Ian was by no means weird, at least in Lucy’s eyes, he had what they like to call a feline swagger and was quite handsome. Lucy stood by, smiling, and clasping her hands in front of herself not sure whether to stay and feel awkward or to simply walk away. “Ma’am, your Americano is ready.”  The barista shouted. “Oh, excuse me for a moment.” Lucy informed the feuding father and son as she went to pick up her drink. Upon return the old man said to his son “Anyways, I’m going home. I know it’s your hat.” and left. Lucy stood there with the hat still in her possession looking innocent. “Well hear you go.” Lucy offered the hat to Ian and continued, “It’s a very nice hat, I was going to get one just like it but I was eleven dollars shor-” Ian looked deep into her eyes and her into his. They seemed to look past what may simply be an eye. “That hat store next door?” Ian asked. “Why, yes” Lucy answered, seemingly in a daze. “I walked all the way over here and I really went through quite some trouble.” Lucy said. Ian pulled out a chair for her and asked her if she’d like to sit down. “Thank you” she replied and sat down. Ian Sat down across from her and put the hat on the table in between them. “Can I buy you a cup of coffee?” He asked. “Oh, I’ve already managed that, thank you.” Lucy said, sipping her Americano. They both sort of looked around making quick and subtle glances at each other while trying to keep their intense interest in each other a secret. Finally, Ian spoke. “Well if I can’t buy you a cup of coffee, why don’t I buy you a hat?”